It's a Roller Coaster

After posting yesterday, I learned that 5 out of 6 of the schools I applied to have already accepted their students, and I'm not one of them. The sixth school left on my list is insanely competitive and I know I will not be getting in. And no, don't try to convince me otherwise. I'm not just being humble or pessimistic. I have virtually no chance of getting in. It smarts. Hurts my heart. I was really hoping to get in somewhere this year. My ego is bruised. I question my talent. And getting this information yesterday made me sink down again into that dark place...although it was clear why I was there, this time, as opposed to the day before. I felt worthless and defeated. I guess I feel like I should be doing something with my degree...soon I'll have to start paying on my student loans and at the moment I don't really know why I even went to college. I want to figure out some way to both fulfill myself and to help put my family in a better place financially. I know that getting an MFA in creative writing is not going to bring me much money...but it can put me on a better track to publish and hopefully teach. But whatever. It's not happening this year.

So anyway, I let this get me very down, but when Vitor got home from work I took Stella out for a walk and did some thinking. Came up with a plan B. I won't go into it here, but suffice to say I can let myself quit worrying for now. I need to just focus on my babies. I have a brand new baby and she deserves my attention. As do the others. Vitor has said again and again that he just wants me to be happy and that he'll take care of the finances and I should just try to write and take it easy on myself. I'm so lucky to have him.

Ate a little better yesterday. I'll hopefully keep it up today.