Day One

Here's my progress report for yesterday:

I started the day feeling pretty terrible, and that lasted until late afternoon. I sat on the computer all day, with the exception of a long nap that I took while my two youngest babies were sleeping. Finally I decided to get up and do something, so I took a shower and got the idea to start this blog. Which I did. Obviously.

After my shower, I did some laundry and dishes. What fun! I cooked dinner (spaghetti, italian sausage, garlic bread) and then went to the store, where I loaded up on fresh fruits, vegetables, and healthy snacks, all which were desperately needed. When I got home from the store, I cleaned out the fridge (it reeeeeally needed it) and put the groceries away.

Then, at 9 p.m., I decided to go for a walk. I put the iPod on shuffle and roamed the neighborhood for about half an hour. I just want to say that I love shuffle. It's amazing how the right songs can come on at the right times, like there's some cosmic force playing a soundtrack to your life. Upon leaving the house, Ella Fitzgerald started singing "Hallelujah, I Love Him So," and it spoke to me and put me in a good place mentally. The lyrics:

Sing Hallelujah, Hallelujah
And you'll shoo the blues away
Cares pursue ya, Hallelujah!
Gets you through the darkest day

Satan lies a-waitin'
And creatin' skies of gray
But Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Helps to shoo the clouds away

Et cetera. Cheesy, maybe, but the timing was right. Then Mellow Mood came on, which always makes me happy, and the rest of the songs that came on were by various Latin artists, for the most part -- Manu Chao, Os Mutantes -- good rhythms to keep me moving energetically. The evening was chilly but pleasant, and I was utterly alone, which I can't say I didn't like. Now I just need a dog to go with me (working on it -- on another note, they say that people with dogs are happier and live longer).

Here are the obstacles that stand before me as I begin this process:
- I have a newborn baby. This complicates my state of mind on a variety of levels. First, there are the hormones. However, I know that what I'm feeling is not only postpartum depression, because, as I said, it's been happening since puberty. I do think the hormones may worsen my mood, though. I'm also dealing with a lack of sleep. My baby is not a terrible sleeper, and for that I'm grateful. Still, I'm tired. Waking multiple times in the middle of the night to feed a newborn takes it out of me. On top of that, she wants me to hold her much of the time. This wears on me mentally and physically and makes it very difficult to feel productive.

- It's winter. Granted, spring is near. This week the weather has improved exponentially. The days are growing a bit longer and the temperature is rising. Happiness.

- I've subjected myself to a lot of rejection by applying for some extremely selective creative writing MFA programs. I'm talking less than 1% chance of getting accepted. Those are terrible odds. I know that I can't take it personally when I get rejected, and I can't see it as a reflection of my writing abilities, but it's hard not to. The process is grueling, and this is notification season, so my nerves are shot.

My immediate goals:
- Stop drinking soda, period.
- Consume the appropriate number of servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have probably never done this a day in my life.
- Cut out fast food.
- Try to get in a little exercise every day, when reasonable, even if it's just a walk.
- Get dressed, brush teeth, fix hair and make-up every morning, even if I'm not going anywhere. I think this may help me get into the right frame of mind in the morning, which will set me up for a better day.

Well, the baby's awake, so I'm going to go attend to her. I will check back in soon.