A Lapse...

It's been 4 days since my last post. I have no good excuse for this. I was busy yesterday, but the days before that...I guess I didn't blog because I wasn't feeling especially happy or depressed and I was eating like crap, so I didn't want to talk about it. I obviously should, though, because that keeps me motivated to do better, since I have to admit to what I've been doing.

Back on track today, though, although I'm ridiculously tired. I went to bed at 9 last night to try to get a good night of sleep. The baby's been sleeping a bit better, so I thought I'd wake up fairly rested this morning, but no. At 11 she woke up to eat, which was fine...I figured I'd get her full and then we'd get a good chunk of sleep after that. But just after I'd finished feeding her, the weather turned ugly. We were in the basement by midnight with the kids...the wind outside was howling pretty scarily and with 4 kids and a dog, we didn't want to wait too long to get downstairs. Luckily the actual tornado went south of us and we had no damage, and the kids were merry about being woken up and hanging out in the basement for a bit. But then Norah wanted to eat again at around 1, and I just couldn't fall asleep again until close to 2. Ugh.

But anyway...I did get up and shower and get moving this morning. I made one of my healthier frozen coffees instead of going out to buy one (I like Starbucks frappucinos, frappes from McD's, and just discovered Burger King's iced mochas...but none of them are good for you!), and I added a little peanut butter this time for extra deliciousness and a little extra protein. I made it with truvia instead of sugar and it was 167 calories, 19 carbs, and 9 grams of protein. And very tasty.

Norah's been sick and I feel like I need to take her in to get checked out, since she's only 6 weeks old...so my morning has been filled with just trying to get a few things done around the house (very few -- taking Thalia to the bus stop, feeding and holding the baby, a quick shower, feeding the boys, trying to keep the toddler out of trouble...that's all I've gotten done), and the afternoon is going to be filled up with taking the boys to meet Vitor and driving down to get her to the doctor.

I will say that I've at least been writing. Not today, yet, but most every day. I think I'm going to restart my book a third time, but I'll be using a lot of pieces from a short story I'd written that this story is based on, so it should go quickly. A lot of cut and paste. Who knows if I'll ever get it done...but at least I've been working on it fairly consistently. And reading, too. I'm reading Lolita right now...I'd never read it. I love the way it's written, so far.

It's a Roller Coaster

After posting yesterday, I learned that 5 out of 6 of the schools I applied to have already accepted their students, and I'm not one of them. The sixth school left on my list is insanely competitive and I know I will not be getting in. And no, don't try to convince me otherwise. I'm not just being humble or pessimistic. I have virtually no chance of getting in. It smarts. Hurts my heart. I was really hoping to get in somewhere this year. My ego is bruised. I question my talent. And getting this information yesterday made me sink down again into that dark place...although it was clear why I was there, this time, as opposed to the day before. I felt worthless and defeated. I guess I feel like I should be doing something with my degree...soon I'll have to start paying on my student loans and at the moment I don't really know why I even went to college. I want to figure out some way to both fulfill myself and to help put my family in a better place financially. I know that getting an MFA in creative writing is not going to bring me much money...but it can put me on a better track to publish and hopefully teach. But whatever. It's not happening this year.

So anyway, I let this get me very down, but when Vitor got home from work I took Stella out for a walk and did some thinking. Came up with a plan B. I won't go into it here, but suffice to say I can let myself quit worrying for now. I need to just focus on my babies. I have a brand new baby and she deserves my attention. As do the others. Vitor has said again and again that he just wants me to be happy and that he'll take care of the finances and I should just try to write and take it easy on myself. I'm so lucky to have him.

Ate a little better yesterday. I'll hopefully keep it up today.

Recovering

As if she knew that I desperately needed a good night of sleep, my baby slept six hours last night. I had finally started feeling a bit better late, late in the evening, and this morning I woke up feeling tired, still, but in better spirits than yesterday. Got up, showered, ate breakfast, etc.

I rewrote the beginning of my novel because in hindsight what I'd written a few days ago seemed stuffy and pretentious. I feel like I'm on the right track and I'm going to try to continue to devote time to it. I went to the bookstore last night to write but was extremely distracted and not in the best frame of mind, so I didn't get a ton done...but I do feel like restarting was the way to go.

Today the sun is shining, but it's cold. I would like to get these kids outside but it's just not warm enough. Julian has a cold and is whining a lot. Maybe this calls for another long drive.

A Step Back

For no particular reason, I woke up feeling very down today. There's nothing making me sad...just a heavy melancholy air around me -- very heavy, like I'm overcompensating for these past days where I felt all right. A week of decent moods is too much for me, apparently.

I loaded up the babies and went for a long drive, hoping that my music and the sleep that I knew would keep them quiet would help me feel better. I think it may have had the opposite effect. It's a very gray, bleak day, and driving around the countryside I almost felt like I was in a black and white photo. The only colors were the occasional red barn and the almost-green of the grass. Beautiful in its own way, all of that, but not conducive to a cheery mood. I even cried as I drove...and it's frustrating to not understand why.

Maybe this is terrible to admit, but I almost wish that I were manic depressive, because at least I would have those periods of hyper-productivity, right? And maybe sometimes the manic episodes would come with their own bad qualities, but it's not like my existence is too positive right now anyway. But wishing for that is futile. I'm not manic -- just depressive. And I wonder if that's just who I am, and who I always will be.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

A New Week

The weekend was good, as I said in my previous posts...finished out yesterday by spending a couple of hours at the bookstore writing. I got two pages of pretty solid prose written -- the start of my novel. I also made myself start saying I'm writing a novel. Ha. I feel so...I don't know, pretentious or poserish by saying that, but why? I just have to say it and feel that I'm just as entitled as anyone else to write a book. I also read a bit, which always feels good.

We met some friends for dinner, and after the kids were in bed I put the baby in her mei tai and went for a short walk with Stella. I already got all syrupy about Stella yesterday, so I won't say more now about how awesome she is. I think next Sunday we may take her to the Mardi Gras pet parade in St. Louis.

The only thing I'm not proud of about this weekend was my diet. Friday night we were busy...we went to pick up our new van in a town about 40 minutes away, and we picked up DQ while we were out. I had a burger and fries, but I did get a small milkshake instead of a soda. Not exactly a better choice, but I was trying to avoid soda. Saturday I ate well during the day. I knew that I'd be snacking for dinner at the trivia event, so we got a rotisserie chicken for lunch and kind of made that the bigger meal of the day. But then I didn't eat a proper dinner at all...I had some fruit at trivia, but lots of chips and cake, and I drank two Cokes. Hohum. They were in cans. I'm a sucker for a nice cold can of Coke.

And then yesterday was just awful, food-wise...I forgot to eat breakfast before going to the Watershed...I picked up a frappe at McD's on my way home. I left to go write very soon after returning home. While at Borders, since I had yet to eat anything, I ordered a soft whole wheat pretzel, thinking it would fill me up a bit without being too terrible for me (there were lots of pastries and cakes and things, but I tried to choose wisely)...but the pretzel was hard as a rock and mostly inedible. So a little while later, still hungry, I got a snickerdoodle the size of my head. Le sigh. And then dinner...burger, fries...ordered a frozen daiquiri, again as an alternative to soda (I realize milkshakes and daiquiris are not healthy, but I'm not addicted to them), but it SUCKED. $7 and it didn't taste like strawberries OR alcohol. So I got a Dr. Pepper.

Wow, that was a lot of chatter about food. I guess I just feel guilty. But this morning I did weigh a total of three pounds less than when I started this blog. Woohoo! I just need to keep it up and do better this week. Today will be tricky, too, as I will be gone for most of the day, and then Vitor has class until after 7, so dinner on Mondays is always something quick and easy, like frozen pizza. I don't even have any frozen pizzas right now, so not sure what I'm going to do. I have pasta sauce...maybe I'll just do spaghetti.

I've still been in a good mood, though. So that's a small victory.

Day Five

Kept on the move yesterday with the fam and went to trivia with my sisters last night...my first night out since the baby was born. It was nice to have a little break. Ended the day in a good mood.

I woke up this morning and went out to the Watershed with Stella for a nice walk. She's seriously the greatest dog. I wanted a dog so badly growing up, and this is exactly the dog I imagined, I think.

Walking her first thing in the morning was great. It wasn't too cold, the sun was shining, and I turned on some good music and enjoyed the solitude of an early Sunday at the preserve. I actually felt happy to be alive. That's what I've been looking for. And no, it's not just my dog that makes me feel that. I'm feeling utterly grateful for my family...my beautiful, wonderful babies...and for all of the things that I'm lucky enough to have in my life.

 

Right now I'm going to head out to do a little writing...haven't written anything for about two months! I'm finally ready to start on my novel. Gulp.

Day Four

Yesterday was another success, more or less. Woke up early again, got around and got things done...didn't get much accomplished throughout the day because I had a sick preschooler at home, along with the toddler and newborn. Once evening arrived and Vitor arrived home, we went to pick up our new van. As a mother of four, I'm so over the minivan stigma. My van is awesome. Anyone who thinks it makes me lame can suck it.

My dog is awesome, too. I am so in love with her. She's perfect, so far. I know there's no such thing as a perfect dog. I'm sure I'll discover qualities that I dislike. But so far, she's the greatest. She's nice and gentle with the kids and has just the right amount of interest in them...just a little bit playful, so fun without being a spaz...loves to cuddle...really well-behaved and just a pleasure all around. I love walking her and having a great excuse to get out and do that.

I don't have much else to add right now. We've been busy today, too, and I should try to either nap or do a little cleaning while my kids are napping.

Thanks to anyone who's still out there following me! I know this isn't exciting to read, but it's great to have a place to come and talk.

Day Three

So far, so good. My mood has been much better over the past couple of days.

Yesterday I woke up bright and early -- very tired, but I had to take the dog out. Instead of sneaking back into bed to try to squeeze in a few more minutes of sleep, I stayed up, ate breakfast, washed dishes, showered, got dressed, etc. I had done all of that by 8:30. I helped my oldest get ready for school and walked her to the bus stop with the pup. It felt good to be productive. The baby kept me busy for much of the rest of the day, but I just did what I could when I could. Some dishes here, a bit of laundry there. And when she woke up and started fussing around lunch time, before she was due to eat again, I put her in her mei tai, which is a wrap styled after those worn in China. She nodded off and was happy to be worn around for a little while:

Vitor was shopping for a new van after work, so I was on my own with all four kids until close to 8 last night. It was hectic -- Julian peed on the floor en route to the shower, Thalia had several worksheets to do and spelling words to study, Norah wanted to be held, I had dinner to make -- but I got it done and didn't let it stress me out. And dinner was delicious. I made baked chicken nuggets, which were healthier and actually much tastier than the fried kind.

Once the kids were in bed, I took Stella out for a walk. She loved it. She's great so far...we're really loving having her around.

I didn't accomplish anything great yesterday, but I did the things that needed to be done, and I did it in a decent mood. Whether or not my mood will continue to stay positive remains to be seen, but so far I can say this about the changes I've been making: I feel that my fuse has been longer with the kids and that I've been attending to them as I should be. I have lost a pound. My house is a bit cleaner.

Like I said, so far, so good.

Jimmy John's, Pizza Hut...

It's lunch time, and I am resisting the urge to order food. I am NOT GOING TO DO IT.

This is a bigger victory than it should be, as I'm quite fond of having someone bring my lunch to me.

Day Two

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had balanced meals and ate fruit for a snack and at lunch, and then two veggies with dinner. Also had a turkey burger instead of beef, but I didn't really care for it, unfortunately. Hey, I tried! I allowed myself a bowl of ice cream after the kids went to bed...I wanted to overindulge and have more, but I didn't. Go me. 

And...we got a dog!! She's a little golden retriever (two years old, but fairly small). We named her Stella. I'm really loving her. Last Sunday we went to a golden retriever rescue to check out their available dogs...we found one that we liked quite a bit and after discussing it decided to move forward. So some volunteers brought her for a home visit, and she did well with the kids and with us and we adopted her. She's so sweet. I took her for a short walk yesterday evening...didn't have time for a longer one, unfortunately. She can't be too active just yet because she's being treated for heartworm. Kind of a good thing, though, because I have to take her out on a leash instead of letting her run around the backyard, so it gets me outside, too.

The shelter called mid-morning to set up a time to come by with the dog, so I had to scramble to get the house cleaned up. It was not easy, because I had to clean while the baby was sleeping, while also taking care of my boys. But I worked hard and got it done. I also had already gotten dressed and done my hair and make-up when they called, so that was nice -- I was already presentable.

So by the end of the day I felt pretty productive. I went to bed in a good mood and I'm feeling the same way so far today.

Day One

Here's my progress report for yesterday:

I started the day feeling pretty terrible, and that lasted until late afternoon. I sat on the computer all day, with the exception of a long nap that I took while my two youngest babies were sleeping. Finally I decided to get up and do something, so I took a shower and got the idea to start this blog. Which I did. Obviously.

After my shower, I did some laundry and dishes. What fun! I cooked dinner (spaghetti, italian sausage, garlic bread) and then went to the store, where I loaded up on fresh fruits, vegetables, and healthy snacks, all which were desperately needed. When I got home from the store, I cleaned out the fridge (it reeeeeally needed it) and put the groceries away.

Then, at 9 p.m., I decided to go for a walk. I put the iPod on shuffle and roamed the neighborhood for about half an hour. I just want to say that I love shuffle. It's amazing how the right songs can come on at the right times, like there's some cosmic force playing a soundtrack to your life. Upon leaving the house, Ella Fitzgerald started singing "Hallelujah, I Love Him So," and it spoke to me and put me in a good place mentally. The lyrics:

Sing Hallelujah, Hallelujah
And you'll shoo the blues away
Cares pursue ya, Hallelujah!
Gets you through the darkest day

Satan lies a-waitin'
And creatin' skies of gray
But Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Helps to shoo the clouds away

Et cetera. Cheesy, maybe, but the timing was right. Then Mellow Mood came on, which always makes me happy, and the rest of the songs that came on were by various Latin artists, for the most part -- Manu Chao, Os Mutantes -- good rhythms to keep me moving energetically. The evening was chilly but pleasant, and I was utterly alone, which I can't say I didn't like. Now I just need a dog to go with me (working on it -- on another note, they say that people with dogs are happier and live longer).

Here are the obstacles that stand before me as I begin this process:
- I have a newborn baby. This complicates my state of mind on a variety of levels. First, there are the hormones. However, I know that what I'm feeling is not only postpartum depression, because, as I said, it's been happening since puberty. I do think the hormones may worsen my mood, though. I'm also dealing with a lack of sleep. My baby is not a terrible sleeper, and for that I'm grateful. Still, I'm tired. Waking multiple times in the middle of the night to feed a newborn takes it out of me. On top of that, she wants me to hold her much of the time. This wears on me mentally and physically and makes it very difficult to feel productive.

- It's winter. Granted, spring is near. This week the weather has improved exponentially. The days are growing a bit longer and the temperature is rising. Happiness.

- I've subjected myself to a lot of rejection by applying for some extremely selective creative writing MFA programs. I'm talking less than 1% chance of getting accepted. Those are terrible odds. I know that I can't take it personally when I get rejected, and I can't see it as a reflection of my writing abilities, but it's hard not to. The process is grueling, and this is notification season, so my nerves are shot.

My immediate goals:
- Stop drinking soda, period.
- Consume the appropriate number of servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have probably never done this a day in my life.
- Cut out fast food.
- Try to get in a little exercise every day, when reasonable, even if it's just a walk.
- Get dressed, brush teeth, fix hair and make-up every morning, even if I'm not going anywhere. I think this may help me get into the right frame of mind in the morning, which will set me up for a better day.

Well, the baby's awake, so I'm going to go attend to her. I will check back in soon.

About the Happy Monkey Project

Since around the time I hit puberty, I've been struggling with depression. It comes and goes in severity, but it's almost always present to some degree. Lately I feel that I'm nearing my breaking point. To be perfectly frank, I think about things like dying much more often than I should. This is not my way of saying I'm suicidal -- I'm not. But it could reach that point, I realize, and I'm sick of being sick of living. I have a lot going for me, really, and I hate the fact that I can't seem to appreciate or enjoy it all.

So I'm reaching out, and I need your help. This blog is going to contain very personal topics, as well as details that will bore the pants off of you. It's an experiment, really -- my goal is to use the internet to both document the steps I'm taking to better myself and to gain the support of anyone who takes the time to follow my quest. I'll be documenting my days, my meals, my goals, my failures. I know that there are certain changes that I can make to my lifestyle -- diet, exercise, and general productivity -- that may very well bring me to the place I need to be. The added benefits are obvious -- I will become healthier, more attractive, more confident, and will hopefully achieve other goals as well. I considered starting a private journal, something that I scribble in each day. But I know myself, and I won't hold myself accountable. I will journal for a day or two, and then I will bury the journal away and forget about it. Because I can. Because no one will bother me about it. But if I put this out there for the world to see, then maybe, just maybe, I will keep with it.

So I ask you to check in with me when you can, read my story, comment if you wish, and most importantly, give me your support. Tell me you think I'm doing a good job. Tell me you're proud of me. Or, if need be, tell me that I suck and I need to get back with it. You may be my friend or you may be a stranger -- it doesn't matter to me. This is my last chance to make myself better before going the route of anti-depressants -- a route I'd love to avoid. Please follow my blog and be a part of my success story!